Yesterday, one of my younger sisters described my current life as “really easy”—relaxed, flexible, and unstressed, resembling a retiree’s lifestyle rather than the usual up-and-coming 20-something’s. Her comment made my mom laugh, as a “retirement lifestyle” is something she and I have discussed before. (Short version of said discussion: She doesn’t want me to be…
Identity and Reality
The gap between who I saw myself as and who I actually was used to frustrate me, infuriate me, play games with my mind. More than once, realizing that my immediate reality didn’t match the identity I’d so carefully formed and convinced myself was real led me down some heady crises-like rabbit holes. It wasn’t…
A Customized Self
Do you have music in you all the time–a tune, a melody that’s just there, springing from somewhere deep inside your being that isn’t exactly a thought nor is distillable into words–music that is you and that only you could hear? I didn’t, but I do now. And it’s one of the most thrilling realizations…
Thoughts on My Position in Life
Lately there have been voices speaking into my life, commenting on how I’m living my life, whether I’m being social enough, whether I’m truly an “independent adult”, how I could be so unrealistic, why I’m still behind on life–whatever that means. I haven’t traveled much. I don’t have a full-time job. I’m not dating,…
For They Know Not What They Do
I told my older sister one afternoon that I know what sort of a person I’m becoming. I have come to understand that I am on track to something, that I am becoming someone I do not need to be scared or ashamed of, that I could actually be useful, inspiring, strong, and yet vulnerable,…
To Live and To Die…But For Whom, and As Whom?
A friend once asked me to elaborate on why I disagree, on a fundamental level, with the general definition modern evangelical Christianity gives to the idea of “living for God” (see here for an example); and furthermore, how I intend to disprove it through my life. This is part of the answer I gave. (I…
The Terror of Excellence
Excellence and knowledge terrify the cowardly. Having reached a higher standard, what was once unexpected strokes of greatness amidst mediocrity becomes the ground from which others and self judge you. No longer can you claim inability or lack of insight, for you have proven yourself capable and cognizant of more than what you were and…
A Matter of Conscience
A conscience is a slippery thing. In one sense, it’s the most subjective thing in the world–it’s your personal code of ethics, your view of morality, the motivations and fears that drive the reasons for why you do certain things, or decide not to do them. Yet in another sense it’s objective–and can it help…
How Demons Are Born
Honesty is crucial to a life of integrity. Without consistent adherence to truth, the structure and value of your thoughts and actions fall apart. Yet the commitments we make to ourselves are often the first to fall away under pressure. Somewhere along the way, we’d lost sight of this: When we don’t keep our word…
The Poverty of Not Knowing Yourself
A few thoughts I’ve gleaned from the Gospel of Thomas that may be worth elaborating on: – Poverty is not measured by external wealth, but by how well one knows one’s self. – Know what is before your face, and what is hidden from thee shall be revealed to you. We are responsible for figuring…