A recent conversation with an acquaintance brought to light dishonest fears and unearned hopes I had been harbouring in my heart.
Dishonest, because I have not looked at them for what they are.
Unearned, because I had not first done what is necessary to make what I hoped for a possibility.
It sent me into a few days’s worth of mulling-overs, wondering what such revelations said of who I was in contrast to who I tell myself I am. And in the end, I came to a sort of temporary conclusion.
The contrasts are stark and unsettling, some more serious than others — but a common thread runs through them all.
I despise the person who has such contrasts, such fears, such hopes — and does nothing about it.
I despise also:
- The cowardice that filches away from pain and awkwardness when truth, beauty, and life are at stake.
- The laziness that shies away from effort when blood, sweat, and tears are required.
- The weakness that lets things slide even when they go against one’s values and principles.
Here the question arises: What do you do when you become what you despise?
You begin to hate yourself. You experience a lingering depression even when life is otherwise going well. You become confused about your direction in life, what actually matters and what does not, what to care about (if anything at all).
That is one choice.
The other is to change yourself.
And here I’d like to add one more principle to the list made earlier this year: Do nothing that would make you despise yourself.
From overeating (just one more cookie…) to standing before a cold lake and chickening out on a swim you had planned to take, to partaking in easy and shallow conversations in social situations that demand mediocrity from you while to comply requires fakery on your part — the things you despise take on many forms.
Standards shift as you evolve; situations and environments partly dictate possible options; your own perception of the decision to be made changes as you act.
Thus, as a principle, “do not do what makes you despise yourself” is a moving target — highly subjective, often subtle, and easily overlooked.
But one that matters quite a bit. At least to me.
(P.S. A variation of this is possibly great parenting advice: Do not let your kids do what you’d despise them for doing.)